....why do I even bother fighting the good fight?
For those that know what is going on, I am at my wits end. After working all day having not slept well the night before, then doing dishes, doing laundry, cooking dinner, clipping coupons, folding laundry....one would be tired. So having to ask repeatedly for someone to simply stop doing something until I after go to bed is gonna grate anyone's nerves when this tired. But then that person takes your request as a a personal cutdown...and you get made out to be the bad guy. Ugh...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Controlling what I can....letting the rest just happen
My life....It's such a mess. So much is out of control right now. Housing: the house we are renting is up for sale so we have to move. Matt's health: Surgery got postponed because of a medication error that is going to take some time to correct. Angus's health: My doggy is getting older and his health has gone downhill the past few weeks. He's been okay lately, but it it still worries me. Work: Don't even get me started on that mess.
So in order to keep my sanity, I am going to try to focus on what I CAN control and make changes for the better...my health. About 18 months ago I signed up on "Spark People" to help manage my nutrition, weight loss, fitness, etc. I made good progress but got off track when everything else in my life went to pot. I'm going to get back on the wagon.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/community_home.asp
Wish me luck!
So in order to keep my sanity, I am going to try to focus on what I CAN control and make changes for the better...my health. About 18 months ago I signed up on "Spark People" to help manage my nutrition, weight loss, fitness, etc. I made good progress but got off track when everything else in my life went to pot. I'm going to get back on the wagon.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/community_home.asp
Wish me luck!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Two Way Streets
My brother mentioned in his latest blog that Democracy is a two way street. Got me to thinking... (I know, that's dangerous, right?)
Life itself is a two way street. And it's amazing how many people out there don't realize it. I see it everyday in my own personal life. Personal communication, business dealing, etc. You have to give in order to take.
You can't not call, write, or visit someone and expect them to keep in touch with you. Family or not.
You can't propose a contract, but be unwilling to negotiate it.
You shouldn't HATE a person just because she stands up for her husband.
Seriously, people need to realize the world is not about THEM. It's about everyone. One time on a band trip someone yelled, "Can't we all get along?!?!". The answer was a collective "No!". I'm pretty sure that this gets more and more true every day.
Life itself is a two way street. And it's amazing how many people out there don't realize it. I see it everyday in my own personal life. Personal communication, business dealing, etc. You have to give in order to take.
You can't not call, write, or visit someone and expect them to keep in touch with you. Family or not.
You can't propose a contract, but be unwilling to negotiate it.
You shouldn't HATE a person just because she stands up for her husband.
Seriously, people need to realize the world is not about THEM. It's about everyone. One time on a band trip someone yelled, "Can't we all get along?!?!". The answer was a collective "No!". I'm pretty sure that this gets more and more true every day.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Mortality
Life is short. We've all been told this countless times. But why do we listen to those same people telling us that life is short when they tell us what to do? Don't move here. Don't transfer schools. Don't go out on your own. Don't date that person. Don't marry that person. Life is short, and if there's anything I've learned in my 28 years on this earth.... you have to live your life how YOU want it, or you are going to be miserable.
I just found out that a girl from my graduating class passed away this past week. That makes 5 from my high school class that have passed away. Too young.
I read medical charts for a living. Every week I read multiple charts on patients who have died. I look up at the top of the screen....and the patient is my age. 5 years older than me. 10 years older than me. That's not a lot of time. Who's to say it isn't going to be my name at the top of the page?
And watching what is happening to my husband...just breaks my heart. He can't breathe. He can't swallow. He has to sleep with oxygen. All because of a botched surgery. And no one involved wants to admit their mistake. He's only 31 and already is starting to get cardiac trouble and has gained about 50 pounds since the surgery that has ruined our life. Imagine being 30 years old....and being told you have 10 years or less to live. It makes you look at life at a different perspective.
When we were young, we couldn't wrap our little heads around the concept of death and mortality. We thought we were invincible and were doing silly things like jumping out of the bathtub thinking we are Superman (lol...I had to put that in there, bro!). We get told all through our childhood...play it safe. Be careful. Don't do this. Don't do that. Be safe. Okay...those of you in my generation...do you remember when we would ride our bikes...in the street...without a helmet, knee pads or elbow pads? We fell off our bike, got scratched up, went to Mom for a Band-Aid, went went back out there. Out there. Video games were just a brand new thing then. We weren't texting, blogging, Wii-ing, surfing.... We were out playing.
No one is out playing anymore. We are in our homes, living our lives through the internet. (I'm guilty, too. I think we all are.) We are afraid to go out. Afraid to fight the status quo.
Well, you know what...I've always had this stubborn streak. When I wanted to leave my father and step mother's house, I fought until I got what I wanted. When I went to college, I had more than one obstacle thrown in my way, mostly lack of money. But did I give up? Nope. I was told if I transferred schools, or if I took a year off that "You won't go back. You'll just give up and end up working in a factory the rest of your life.". When I was told that, I said..."Watch me." And in 2008 (eight years after high school and 6 years worth of classes), I graduated Magna Cum Laude. And I paid (okay, still paying) every bill myself. So there. ::raspberries::
Would you believe that I was afraid to tell my mom and dad that I was engaged? I was actually engaged for two months before I had the ring on my finger. But they didn't like the man I was with. They didn't think he was a "real man" because he had a mental disorder called agoraphobia and couldn't travel. They said he couldn't provide for me. They said I should leave him and find a man with money and materials to take care of me. They never got to know this man. And here we are, nearly 5 years later. Our marriage has hit some bumpy roads, but whose doesn't? And now I think my marriage is stronger than those who were telling me to leave Matt. During one of those bumps, it was looking like there might possibly be a divorce. So dad jumps up and yells, "Praise Jesus?" Um, no. That was the nail in the coffin. I haven't spoken to mom and dad much since then. I try to keep contact, but for them, the road (and phone, and internet, and mail) seems to go only one way.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to live my life how I damn well please. I am going to stand up to those who want to stand in the way of me and Matt. It's our life, let us live it how we see fit and don't tell us, "you should do this, not that"! And don't try to take advantage of us. I won't let it. I have an ugly temper...and I'm not afraid to use it anymore.
Life is short. Live it how YOU want to. Not how your parents, in-laws, or anyone else wants you to.
So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
Just come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
--P!nk
I just found out that a girl from my graduating class passed away this past week. That makes 5 from my high school class that have passed away. Too young.
I read medical charts for a living. Every week I read multiple charts on patients who have died. I look up at the top of the screen....and the patient is my age. 5 years older than me. 10 years older than me. That's not a lot of time. Who's to say it isn't going to be my name at the top of the page?
And watching what is happening to my husband...just breaks my heart. He can't breathe. He can't swallow. He has to sleep with oxygen. All because of a botched surgery. And no one involved wants to admit their mistake. He's only 31 and already is starting to get cardiac trouble and has gained about 50 pounds since the surgery that has ruined our life. Imagine being 30 years old....and being told you have 10 years or less to live. It makes you look at life at a different perspective.
When we were young, we couldn't wrap our little heads around the concept of death and mortality. We thought we were invincible and were doing silly things like jumping out of the bathtub thinking we are Superman (lol...I had to put that in there, bro!). We get told all through our childhood...play it safe. Be careful. Don't do this. Don't do that. Be safe. Okay...those of you in my generation...do you remember when we would ride our bikes...in the street...without a helmet, knee pads or elbow pads? We fell off our bike, got scratched up, went to Mom for a Band-Aid, went went back out there. Out there. Video games were just a brand new thing then. We weren't texting, blogging, Wii-ing, surfing.... We were out playing.
No one is out playing anymore. We are in our homes, living our lives through the internet. (I'm guilty, too. I think we all are.) We are afraid to go out. Afraid to fight the status quo.
Well, you know what...I've always had this stubborn streak. When I wanted to leave my father and step mother's house, I fought until I got what I wanted. When I went to college, I had more than one obstacle thrown in my way, mostly lack of money. But did I give up? Nope. I was told if I transferred schools, or if I took a year off that "You won't go back. You'll just give up and end up working in a factory the rest of your life.". When I was told that, I said..."Watch me." And in 2008 (eight years after high school and 6 years worth of classes), I graduated Magna Cum Laude. And I paid (okay, still paying) every bill myself. So there. ::raspberries::
Would you believe that I was afraid to tell my mom and dad that I was engaged? I was actually engaged for two months before I had the ring on my finger. But they didn't like the man I was with. They didn't think he was a "real man" because he had a mental disorder called agoraphobia and couldn't travel. They said he couldn't provide for me. They said I should leave him and find a man with money and materials to take care of me. They never got to know this man. And here we are, nearly 5 years later. Our marriage has hit some bumpy roads, but whose doesn't? And now I think my marriage is stronger than those who were telling me to leave Matt. During one of those bumps, it was looking like there might possibly be a divorce. So dad jumps up and yells, "Praise Jesus?" Um, no. That was the nail in the coffin. I haven't spoken to mom and dad much since then. I try to keep contact, but for them, the road (and phone, and internet, and mail) seems to go only one way.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to live my life how I damn well please. I am going to stand up to those who want to stand in the way of me and Matt. It's our life, let us live it how we see fit and don't tell us, "you should do this, not that"! And don't try to take advantage of us. I won't let it. I have an ugly temper...and I'm not afraid to use it anymore.
Life is short. Live it how YOU want to. Not how your parents, in-laws, or anyone else wants you to.
So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
Just come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
--P!nk
Friday, February 11, 2011
Spinning
My head is spinning. Fighting with health insurance. Fighting with husband's parents. Considering across country move. And of course, where we are looking to move to is one of THE most expensive places to live. Geez. And we wouldn't have to move out there if it hadn't been for someone botching a surgery on my husband. Actually, none of the drama that is going on in my life would be occurring if it hadn't been for that botched surgery and the lack of the surgeon/hospital system to take ownership of their mistake and make it right. I need a drink.....
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Time for a change...
"They" say that you shouldn't run from your problems. I don't know how many times in my life that I've been told that before. But those same people are unable to see my point of view. There is a time to face your problems head on. And there is a time to leave those problems in the dust, especially when those problems are bringing you and your loved ones down.
Now is such a time. For many reasons, it has come time to "run". These problems have been addressed, discussed, hashed, re-hashed...and there's just no resolution. I've followed the "good girl" rules....and that go me no where. I've put others first, and now it's time to put first the needs of my family.
1. I need to seek out better healthcare for my husband. In 2009, he underwent a surgery that was botched. But there is nothing we can legally do about it because the institution where he had it done is immune to malpractice lawsuits. Yes. In the state of Ohio, you can't sue for malpractice if a resident physician is in the room. And it was a resident who operated on my husband. We have consulted physicians not only in the state of Ohio, but all the big names... They all say either one of two things: that they can't help him because his case is too complicated, or the suggest we go to a group of guys out in California that specialize the care that Matt needs. We've exhausted insurance appeals and legal proceedings.... to no avail. It's time to get the heck out of here.
2. My career isn't going to go anywhere here. There are just too many people in this area who do what I do. I can't get ahead because of so many people having more experience than me. And there are only so many health systems in this area....3. That's it. I need to go somewhere where there is more diversity and more opportunity.
3. My husband's career has been ruined. Between the medical issue above, and a partner that it has turned out can't be worked with....he's being pretty much forced to give up all that he had worked for. Tell me, would you let someone run a company that you started, run it in YOUR NAME, but you had to give up all decision making capabilities and get paid pennies for it. Not to mention it's illegal to run a business on someone else's license. Oh...and get "demoted" while doing it. I'm not going to get too much into this one. It's a sore subject.
4. Family relations have gone down the tube. My parents, Matt's parents.... nothing is there. In my case, my father has not spoken to me in 7.5 years. My mother and adopted dad refuse to take interest in my life, my decisions, my husband.... I get the feeling if it's not about their "church"...then it's worthless. The phone, email, internet, snailmail, highway....all these networks go BOTH WAYS. It's not fair to me to do ALL the work to maintain a relationship with my mother. Especially when I have the above to deal with. Matt's parents seem to act like we aren't good enough. Matt eats too much, smokes too much (even though he has all but quit), doesn't do this right. Doesn't do that right. We aren't good enough Christians because we don 't go to church every Sunday and we don't spend 4 nights a week at church. We don't handle money correctly. We don't do this, we don't do that. You know....we are 30 years old.... We can only take that BS for so long. The only family that is keeping me where I'm at is my Grandma and Grandpa Buettner. The parents of the father that disowned me. The only thing that's going to break my heart if (more like when) Matt and I move far away is leaving them behind. They aren't in that great of health and I already lost a lot of time with them thanks to my idiot father and step-mother when I was a kid.
But Matt and I can't keep going on like this. It is not good for our mental health. We have been so depressed and down trodden the past several months.... We have to get out and make a change because nothing is going to change if we stay where we are at. We need to get somewhere, get him into a surgeon who can repair the damage, and start fresh in that new place and start a family. While we still can.
Now is such a time. For many reasons, it has come time to "run". These problems have been addressed, discussed, hashed, re-hashed...and there's just no resolution. I've followed the "good girl" rules....and that go me no where. I've put others first, and now it's time to put first the needs of my family.
1. I need to seek out better healthcare for my husband. In 2009, he underwent a surgery that was botched. But there is nothing we can legally do about it because the institution where he had it done is immune to malpractice lawsuits. Yes. In the state of Ohio, you can't sue for malpractice if a resident physician is in the room. And it was a resident who operated on my husband. We have consulted physicians not only in the state of Ohio, but all the big names... They all say either one of two things: that they can't help him because his case is too complicated, or the suggest we go to a group of guys out in California that specialize the care that Matt needs. We've exhausted insurance appeals and legal proceedings.... to no avail. It's time to get the heck out of here.
2. My career isn't going to go anywhere here. There are just too many people in this area who do what I do. I can't get ahead because of so many people having more experience than me. And there are only so many health systems in this area....3. That's it. I need to go somewhere where there is more diversity and more opportunity.
3. My husband's career has been ruined. Between the medical issue above, and a partner that it has turned out can't be worked with....he's being pretty much forced to give up all that he had worked for. Tell me, would you let someone run a company that you started, run it in YOUR NAME, but you had to give up all decision making capabilities and get paid pennies for it. Not to mention it's illegal to run a business on someone else's license. Oh...and get "demoted" while doing it. I'm not going to get too much into this one. It's a sore subject.
4. Family relations have gone down the tube. My parents, Matt's parents.... nothing is there. In my case, my father has not spoken to me in 7.5 years. My mother and adopted dad refuse to take interest in my life, my decisions, my husband.... I get the feeling if it's not about their "church"...then it's worthless. The phone, email, internet, snailmail, highway....all these networks go BOTH WAYS. It's not fair to me to do ALL the work to maintain a relationship with my mother. Especially when I have the above to deal with. Matt's parents seem to act like we aren't good enough. Matt eats too much, smokes too much (even though he has all but quit), doesn't do this right. Doesn't do that right. We aren't good enough Christians because we don 't go to church every Sunday and we don't spend 4 nights a week at church. We don't handle money correctly. We don't do this, we don't do that. You know....we are 30 years old.... We can only take that BS for so long. The only family that is keeping me where I'm at is my Grandma and Grandpa Buettner. The parents of the father that disowned me. The only thing that's going to break my heart if (more like when) Matt and I move far away is leaving them behind. They aren't in that great of health and I already lost a lot of time with them thanks to my idiot father and step-mother when I was a kid.
But Matt and I can't keep going on like this. It is not good for our mental health. We have been so depressed and down trodden the past several months.... We have to get out and make a change because nothing is going to change if we stay where we are at. We need to get somewhere, get him into a surgeon who can repair the damage, and start fresh in that new place and start a family. While we still can.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
First Ever Blog
So this is my first ever blog. I thought I'd better get with the program seeing as how I am finding myself dangling at the bottom of the technology chain and I'm not even 30 yet. My own mother has outranked me in the tech world...she has a smart phone....I don't. Epic tech fail on my part.
So a little about me if you don't know me:
I'm female....hence the name LADY Heegore.
Why "Heegore"? Mom started calling me that....and it stuck. Especially when she told my boss once that that was my nick name. I've never been able to live it down...so I embrace it.
Married for almost 5 years. No kids. Just a 9 year old Scottie named Angus. He's my little buddy. :) Hubby's name is Matt. Brother's name is Kevin...but answers to Brat. I trained him well. ;)
This is just to start...please stay tuned for future posts, rants, vents, etc. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging....
So a little about me if you don't know me:
I'm female....hence the name LADY Heegore.
Why "Heegore"? Mom started calling me that....and it stuck. Especially when she told my boss once that that was my nick name. I've never been able to live it down...so I embrace it.
Married for almost 5 years. No kids. Just a 9 year old Scottie named Angus. He's my little buddy. :) Hubby's name is Matt. Brother's name is Kevin...but answers to Brat. I trained him well. ;)
This is just to start...please stay tuned for future posts, rants, vents, etc. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)